I've mentioned Ewan briefly before when talking about our bedtime routine, but I thought it was time to give him a post of his own.

We bought him before J was born after he was recommended to us by friends, and whilst he seemed expensive at the time (approx £30) he has been well worth every penny. We use him every night and he goes with us when we stay overnight elsewhere - I really do not know what I would do without him and highly recommend him to other parents.

Below I've compiled a list of reasons why I think Ewan really is every parent's 'dream' sheep. - Let me know your own thoughts in the comments below. (I have no affiliation to Ewan's manufacturer)

1. The most important reason? He helps your baby to sleep. He has 4 different audio settings; lullaby mode, womb sounds, waves & vacuum - the latter 3 are great for getting baby (and sometimes Mum) off to sleep.

2. He is so soft and cuddly - my little one is nearly one and he likes to hug Ewan - it's his little friend.

3. He comes with a velcro hook so you can either pop him in your little one's cot or hang it on the side.

4. He is small, fits in your changing bag - Hey I even put him in my hospital bag, he and J have never been separated.

5. Ewan automatically switches off after approx 20mins so you don't need to go and turn him off once your baby is asleep.

6. He glows red when turned on - helps you to see in the dark and also is a comfort to little one as a night light. (You can also turn this setting off if you want to.)

7. You can choose the audio setting that most suits your situation. I use the lullaby mode to put J down but if he's teething or when he was colicky the white noise modes were great for that.

8. He is a great comforter for your child. J has had Ewan since day one so he's a great comfort when he is not with me (particularly when I returned to work)

9. He is great as part of the bedtime routine - J knows when Ewan is on it's time to go to sleep (works for naps as well as at night, including after feeds)

10. He's not too loud and does have a volume control. J has several musical toys which always seem so loud (particularly if I catch them in the night accidentally) but Ewan is ok and if I go and tuck him in and accidentally turn Ewan on. It doesn't wake him. He's also easy to turn off by holding one of the legs.

11. - OK I know I said 10 reasons but I actually have one more. I find the batteries last a decent amount of time despite multiple uses of Ewan daily, plus they are triple A and easy to change none of those annoying D or C batteries some toys use (who keeps those around the house anyway)

Are you convinced yet? If so you can follow the link below to purchase on amazon.

When Baby J was approximately 7 months old, Cotswold Dad and I went with friends to Centreparcs in Longleat. As our first holiday away I thought I had packed everything but it turns out I had forgotten something - sun cream.

I was actually in the middle of a lake on a pedalo at the time, when I realised my mistake. Out of the shade of the trees and with a clear blue sky above us, the heat of the sun was hotter than I had anticipated and now J was exposed in only shorts, t-shirt, lifejacket and sun hat. For the hour or so we were on the lake I did my best to keep him shaded as much as I could and fortunately he did not burn, but it seems the repercussions were longer lasting.

A few weeks after we got back I noticed that the skin on one of J's legs was slightly dry, and for a few days I just kept an eye on it. Increasingly, the dry skin seemed to spread to both legs and covered his knees & thighs. His legs looked red and when you touched them they went white for a moment and back to red. He wasn't bothered in the slightest but I knew something wasn't right so I went to see one of our local health visitor.

I was assured it was just one of those things that some babies get, I was given some Hydromol cream and as far as I was concerned that was it. I started applying the cream, his skin improved and I thought the problem was solved. Within a few days I noticed the improvement was ceasing and he was still suffering from dry skin on his legs and a few weeks later it was on his arms too. But still he wasn't in pain and was spending a lot of time on the carpet so I assumed that this was the explanation.

When J went for his 9 month check up I saw the other health visitor - who has given me some excellent advice in the past. She noticed the dry skin and was concerned stating that if untreated this could lead to eczema in the future. It was suggested that we got an appointment with the GP.

When I returned home, I immediately went on the internet to see what I could do as we would probably have to wait at least a week or so for an appointment with the GP. I decided first to try some of the lotions we'd been given as gifts at the baby shower, christening etc. I tried the Johnsons baby lotion (pink bottle) and initially like the Hydromol this seemed to help for a few days but within 2 weeks wasn't doing anything at all.

I'd heard about Aveeno Lotion through some of the online forums I silently frequent and one day, whilst shopping in Tesco's on my lunch hour, I noticed they had it on special offer for approx £3 so I bought some. Since trying this and applying it twice a day there was definitely a major improvement but for me the real breakthrough came after reading an article in the Daily Mirror.

My Mum was aware of our struggles with the dry skin and one day there was an article in the Daily Mail about skin issues (primarily Eczema) in children. As well as recommending the Aveeno Lotion it suggested a possible cause that I had never considered, J's bedtime routine. In a previous post, I have detailed our successful bath bottle bed routine which we do nightly, but the article suggested the daily bath was the reason for the dry skin.

We've been using the Johnson's top to toe bath more or less since day one so I do not feel that this is responsible (but saying that as soon as we run out of our current bottle we will switch to the Aveeno bath oil), however I thought I would change the routine so that J has baths every other day instead and since we started this a few weeks ago, I have already seen a significant improvement in his skin.

This is an ongoing fight and whilst we are in control we have not yet won. We will be shortly changing his bath lotion and I am hoping this will help further alleviate the issue. Fortunately, J isn't bothered by the dry skin, but he isn't keen on having the cold lotion on his legs first thing in the morning or after a nice warm bath and who can blame him.

I'll keep you up to date as to how we get on, but in the meantime if anyone has any suggestions from their own experiences, please comment below.

(I have no affiliation with any of the companies named here)

My attempts at baby proofing my house seems to have failed.

J crawls wherever he wants and no baby gate, closed door or baby proofing fixture will stop him.

His favourite thing at the moment is tipping the dog's water bowl upside down sending water all over our conservatory floor and then splashing in the spilt water.

He's also learnt to open cupboard doors.

I also realised the other day that our radiator was not as secure on the wall as I thought it was when J pulled it off leaving it suspended by only the pipes.

I don't remember anyone warning me about any of this before I got pregnant.

Perhaps they should have handed out a flyer like the one I've made below when I attended the antenatal classes.

What's the worst your little ones have managed to do?

I can't believe it.

Baby J is now 10 months old.

He weighs 22lbs

Wears 12-18mth size clothes

He can crawl

Sit up on his own

Pulls himself to standing

Coasts around the furniture

Can shake his head

Can clap his hands

He eats solid food

Is on Aptamil 2

Wakes up no more than once or twice a night (if that)

Its fantastic and I'm so proud of him!

I can't wait to see what he will do next.

I am sorry.

It has been a while since I last posted.

Things have been a little hectic here for the last week.

We have decided to have J christened (or rather I decided and talked Cotswold Dad into it as well!)
I wanted him to be christened as both of us have been christened, and whilst we are not very religious I do love the tradition of having a christening with godparents etc, as well.

Or as Cotswold Dad put it - it's an excuse to have a party!

The christening isn't until after Easter but this week we have been 'getting the ball rolling' and I have been booking the church and reception venue and also designing invitations ready to go out. Now, before I had J this would probably have taken me no more than a day or two but he is going through a 'demanding' phase where he does not like to be put down and once he is crying likes to be on my shoulder whilst I pace through the house (I'm not allowed to sit and comfort him - rock, bounce, jig etc. - that's not good enough for him any more apparently).

I think it's due to a growth spurt as he just turned 12 weeks old this week - he's also been devouring his bottles and even woke up once in the night during this week demanding more. Of course, the minute he is calm enough to entertain himself or nap I catch up on my daily round of chores - washing, dishes, cleaning and then christening organisation duties. Blogging has been a low priority -Perhaps I can skip dishes and blog instead in future?

Cotswold Dad is great and he helps me when he's not working - he is my chef, my water sterilising champion, designated hooverer, washer up and handy man - he usually does the first bottle and nappy change so I can sleep in too!

Even better I am currently decluttering the junk that has accumulated from where we moved in together 1 year ago, merging households without having much of a sort out. It's a big project but I have put a load of duplicate dvd's and unwanted console games on ebay. I also unboxed all our dvd's which were taking over our lives, chucked the boxes in the attic and the discs in a dvd wallet. ( I can't bear to chuck them out and one day when we move, I hope to have a bigger living room where I can smartly display or hide our huge dvd collection)

I also craft but could not get to most of my equipment so I bought a shelf which Cotswold Dad and I installed in our bedroom just below the ceiling to keep my stuff on (and keep out of J's way once he starts toddling). I'm planning a trip to IKEA this week to get some storage boxes to put my collection of wool in and I also want to get some undershelf storage baskets too so I can use the space underneath as well for my writing note books.

I still have a long way to go with decluttering, with clothes to sort, shoes to find a home for, kitchen re-organisation amongst other things but I'm just doing a little bit at a time for now.

On a final note, J laughed properly for the first time yesterday. It was just a little giggle - a delightful squeal whilst I was dressing him on his changing mat. Cotswold Dad heard it too through our baby monitor so I had a witness as well and it was the most wonderful sound in the world.

He'll be 13 weeks tomorrow! I can't believe how quickly time has flown and how big he is now - he is being weighed Tuesday so I'll be interested to see how big he is now!

If anyone has any decluttering tips - I am in need of motivation and inspiration so please comment below and feel free to link to your own blogs, websites etc.

Bye for now.

On Sunday we went to lunch with Cotswold Dad's family. They had a guest, a friend of Cotswold Dad's grandmother whom I have met only once before last year when I was pregnant with J.

Baby J started getting upset before lunch and I mentioned to Cotswold Dad that he was probably hungry as he was due a bottle. The family friend upon hearing this, asked a loaded question in a slightly patronising tone, variations of which I have been asked by many people.

'Are you feeding him yourself?'

Ok, I think to myself, I have several ways of responding to this:

A) No, at 11 weeks old we feel he is old enough to feed himself  (although he can't hold his own head up), we just leave a bottle somewhere he can reach it so he can help himself when he is hungry (We have also modified a rabbit feeder to attach to his cot at night for similar purposes.)

B.) No, when he's hungry we put him in the front garden with a bottle and sign saying 'feed me' in hope that someone passing by might take pity on him.

C.) We're supposed to feed him? Who knew!

D.) I bottle feed him due to various problems encountered when breastfeeding (see previous posts Part1 & Part2)

A deep breath later, I went for option D and launched into my full story - J's feeding issues, weight loss, hospital stay - the works. I was justifying my choices to someone I barely know, and its not a one off. I have been asked this question by family, friends, family friends and even total strangers working on checkouts or who stop me in the supermarket.

Firstly, why did I feel the need to justify my choices to people? My biggest enemy is that one phrase 'Breast is best'. It's been stuck in my head certainly from early pregnancy if not earlier. It is an expectation that all mothers will feed their own baby and this message is everywhere when you are pregnant. It comes from the midwives, doctors, and the media, and is reinforced by tv shows, your peers - the message is everywhere. 

At our second ante-natal (parentcraft) class, I had a whole session on breastfeeding. I was given leaflets, was lectured by the midwife that it was the best thing, we watched a dvd on breastfeeding, they even brought in 2 mums with baby's who were 4-5 months old who were breastfed to explain their experiences - the issues they had and their tips on holds etc. We were then sent away with lanolin samples (have to say that stuff is fantastic though) and a further NHS dvd on breastfeeding. I felt both institutional and peer pressure to breastfeed and did not explore any other options. After all breast feeding is 'natural' and 'Breast is best.'

Of course things didn't go to plan as you will have seen in my previous post.

Then I had to consider formula feeding J and at first I felt like I was failing him, after all 'breast is best' and it is supposed to be better for him due to antibodies in the milk etc. I felt that if I gave him formula I would not be giving him the best chance and that I'd be letting him down and I was reluctant and initially refused point blank. 

When people ask about feeding, this all comes back to me. I worry that they will think badly of me - that I'm too lazy etc. for breast feeding or that they will look down on me. After all with the older generations - they managed so why can't I? Usually when I explain to people why I formula feed J, they understand completely and are sympathetic - I think this I why I end up justifying myself to people every time I'm asked.

Secondly, why do people ask me this question in the first place? What business is it of their's how I feed my baby? Why do they think it is acceptable to ask this?

I think this is a highly personal and private decision for myself and my partner to make. If I wanted advice from others I would ask for it and whilst I am happy to confide in close family and close friends I find it slightly intrusive when anyone else asks but at the same time I don't want to be offensive or rude to people who genuinely (most of the time) mean no harm. So I grit my teeth, put on my shiniest smile and go into extensive detail into my life decisions.

People are judgemental what ever you say or do, you have to make the decision that is right for you and as long as your happy with that, what other people say, think and do should not matter. The problem is we're human, so it does...

We've now had 3 nights of uninterrupted sleep! Yay!

The only downside? I'm now paranoid as to whether J's ok or not! I'm still in the habit of waking up at the times he previously fed overnight and as he's so quiet (his monitor only picks up noises if he is snuffly or wriggling) I always end up checking on him to find that he is 'sleeping like a baby' and I feel slightly foolish (not to mention cold!) for having got up and checked on him.

Is it just me or is this common?

On the upside, during the day J is much more alert, more laid back and generally much happier, spending more time gurgling away or playing with his toys on his playmat or bouncer. That also means more smiles and there is nothing I love more than to see his smiley face. Its the best sight in the world to me.

Any parent looks forward to the first time their child will smile and we were no different. Initially we had the windy 'smiles' where it was very much a case of is it or isn't it a proper smile? - J was holding out on us, and then over christmas when he was about 6 weeks, we had the first proper smiles - the best present of all -but they were fleeting and hard to catch.

Now of course he's smiling much more and we can actually get it on camera, its also great fun pulling faces at him trying to get him to smile. Talking to him and repeating back his noises is another way we do this and I also blow raspberries which he absolutely loves.

Now we're waiting for the next development milestone - his first laugh. Again we've had moments where noises he's made could be a laugh - but then its also possible that they weren't. Hopefully it won't be long.

Here's one of J's smiles to brighten up your day :-)

Today was the final session of Badger Babies, a 4 week postnatal course for parents of young babies we attend which is run at the local children's centre by our 2 fantastic health visitors. Our session today was a talk about common minor illnesses and when you should take your child to the doctors or hospital.

One of the illnesses we talked about was Meningitis, and the symptoms of this - such as the rash, floppiness, fever and light intolerance.

It actually reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend of mine last week whose baby was born 4 weeks before J. Her baby was grisly, slightly unwell and generally off his food, but when she later changed his nappy she found a rash.

For any parent, finding a rash is very worrying but to put your mind at ease there is a simple glass test that can be performed. You press a clear glass against the rash and if it turns white then this is not the meningitis rash however if it does not turn white then this could be a sign of meningitis.

My friend did the glass test and it was positive - it did not fade to white when pressed. She rang her local GP surgery and they advised her to go into hospital. There her son was monitored overnight but fortunately it turned out to be just a virus and he was released the following day.

He was lucky, my best friend did have viral meningitis when she was a baby and was quite ill with it so it just goes to show you can never be too careful!

Just a quick post today - J slept through for the first time last night!

We put him down at 9pm last night and after some initial tears he slept through till 7.30 this morning.

I do think its because of the bedtime routine we put in place for him. We do the 'bath, bottle, bed' routine and have been doing this for a week now ever, since he moved from his moses basket into his cot in his own room (we didn't have space for a cot in our room).

Our routine is as follows although times are approximate:
8.15 Bath with daddy (unless daddy is working)
8.25 Into mummy and daddy's room to be dried, dressed and cuddled
8.40 Into J's room - lights are dimmed, ewan the dream sheep is turned on (lullaby mode) and he is given his bottle - I also keep conversation with him minimal and quiet so as not to overstimulate him.
8.55 Goodnight kiss and then bedtime - Put J into cot, change ewan onto running water mode and turn cot mobile onto night light mode only - this is the fisherprice rainforest mobile so it also plays rainforest noises which he is content with. I also offer him a dummy but he doesn't tend to take it. I then turn off his bedroom light and step out shutting the bedroom door behind me.

Sometimes he will start crying once I've gone. I leave him a few minutes (no more than 5) to see if he will self settle and if not I pop in again, Sssh him, offer the dummy, say goodnight and step out again - even if he is crying.

He usually settles after this giving us the rest of the night to ourselves and I have to say its been working well since we started this! (touch wood). If he then wakes during the night crying for a feed, I put the lights on dimly change if necessary, feed him with Ewan's lullaby mode on and keep conversation minimal. Once finished I then put him down again with Ewan's running water mode and the night light, offer the dummy then leave.

It was nice not to have to get up but it messes with your body clock when you are used to waking up in the night to feed your baby and then don't need to. Last night I woke up at 2am and I could hear J fussing so I used the bathroom and went to check on him - he was half asleep and still fussing so I went back to bed, fully expecting to be woken up by full crying within the next 20mins or so for a feed. I was wide awake and lay there waiting but he settled himself and went back to sleep and I fell asleep too. Not sure if last night was a one off but I guess I'll find out shortly as we are currently midway through the bedtime routine.

Sleep tight!

First Impressions

The Graco Snugsafe Carseat was one of the first high value items that we bought for Cotswold Kid and one of the most important as he was collected from the hospital in it. We chose the Graco Snugsafe as it complemented the Graco Evo XT Pushchair which we fell in love with after seeing it in action in Mothercare. I was given a demonstration of the pushchair with the car seat and loved the simple ‘click in’ mechanisms to mount the car seat into the pushchair and felt certain that this was the right travel system for us – I just had to get my partner (who was not with me) and my mum (who was buying the pushchair ) to agree!

Early Online Reviews

Having seen the travel system in Mothercare, I went home and scoured the internet for reviews. I was instantly disappointed, there were very few reviews available as it was relatively new at the time and those I could find were negative. We went ahead with the pushchair purchase but delayed on buying the car seat, I was hoping more reviews would pop up and I was right but more and more negative reviews appeared which cast some doubt in my mind.

Issues raised in the Early Reviews

I visited our local Mothercare store again to look at the specific issues addressed in the negative reviews:

1. Angle of the car seat in the car meaning baby has little neck support due to upright position.

2. Tightness of straps – particularly across the legs - some reviews said straps were too tight others that it was too loose.

I saw for myself that the straps could be re-positioned in the car seat at different levels based on babies size – also further research online showed that the angle of the car seat was only an issue when used with the isofix base but this wouldn’t affect us as we would not be purchasing the base intending to use the seatbelt instead. In the end we went ahead with the purchase.

REVIEW

(Disclaimer - please note this is an independent review - I have no affiliations with Graco or its subsidiaries.)

We’ve been using the car seat for approximately 10 weeks now, CK weighs 13lbs 8oz and still fits in the car seat with no problems – he also regularly falls asleep in it. Threading the shoulder straps though the unit is a bit fiddly but not impossible and you get better with practice. To make life easier, the first thing I did when I purchased the car seat was to fully extend all straps. The straps are easily tightened once baby is strapped in by pulling the cord hanging between his legs until he is appropriately secured.

One issue I did have was the position of the buckle for the 5 point harness – further research revealed additional instructions could be obtained from Graco to move this to a different position and after emailing Graco requesting this I received them within the hour (very impressive customer service). The buckle does not extend but can be moved to a slot further forward but you have to remove it from the car seat completely and re-thread in the other slot. Once done, there is a lot more space for baby to sit and no risk of the strap cutting into his legs.

Picture shows 2 positions of crotch buckle - my finger is default position at the rear. Buckle has be positioned in front slot for usage.

Please click the following link for instructions on adjusting this: Adjusting Graco snugsafe crotch buckle

We were satisfied with the newborn insert and the support it provided but only used this for a month due to CK's size and length. Otherwise the deep wings on the sides provide sufficient support for CK when I’m driving and I have had no issues with strapping him in the car (even 4 weeks after a c-section when I started driving).

Conclusion

To conclude – We have both been very happy with the car seat and are glad we purchased this. The car seat looks very comfortable and CK still has more growing space in the car seat (however he is a very long baby (like his parents!) so I’m not sure how much longer he will be able to continue using the car seat safely). The car seat is also smaller than the others that my friends have which also means it is lighter to carry and manoeuvre in and out of the car. The straps are very secure and CK’s head is adequately supported when he is in transit. I really do not feel the online reviews do the car seat any justice and the comments I have read are from parents who perhaps were not fully aware of how to adjust the car seat harness or who spoke to untrained staff in the stores where the seat was purchased. The only negatives are that relocating the straps can be fiddly, the instructions for this are not clear and in the case of the harness buckle are altogether missing,  once these issues have been resolved I feel this is an excellent car seat.

 Baby J at 10 weeks old in his car seat (on our sofa)

Cotswold Mum's rating (out of 5) 4/5

Read enough and want to purchase? Check out the link below.

In my previous blog post, I relayed the events immediately following J's birth. All had initially seemed well whilst we were in the post natal ward and J's constant feeding was put down as cluster feeding, but in my heart of hearts I knew something wasn't right. I pushed to get us both discharged thinking that being in my own home would help, but after a terrible first night home I knew we needed more help.

On the morning after our discharge, 2 community midwives (one a student) turned up to do some general checks on both of us. Upon weighing J he was found to have lost 10.6% of his birth weight. Up to 10% is normal but as he was only slightly over it was the midwives call. After some careful thought and further consultation with a hospital paediatrician it was suggested that we return to hospital and by the afternoon we were back on the children's ward where J was re-admitted.

Whilst waiting to be seen at the hospital I found that my milk had finally come in, which was initially a relief. We talked to our doctor and the consultant, and the consultant said that due to J's weight he wanted him to have a minimum of 60mls every 3 hours and this could come either from me (via expressing) or via formula. By now I was so concerned with J's colouring from the jaundiced and still not convinced he was getting enough from me that I decided to let him have formula and the hospital provided us with aptamil. It was such a relief to see him finish it all up - finally I could set myself at ease that he was finally getting something. The hospital also allowed me to use an electric pump - the medela. This was fantastic however I struggled to produce the 60mls ready for the next feed and so over night I alternated between aptamil and my expressed milk.

From that first feed of aptamil, J settled into a 3hr feeding routine which meant I actually could get some sleep, I was also in my own room with him so didn't have to worry about waking up other mum's or baby's (although our room was very warm). Everything was fine until about 2am when he started crying I fed him, but the crying continued and nothing I did worked. It was at this point my emotions kicked in again, I felt as though my baby had been starving because of me, that I could not cope and that I was letting him down by feeding him formula. The nurses were fantastic on the ward, they gave me a lot of support and really helped me feel so much better. They also stepped in and helped me out.

We were discharged again the following day and this time we decided to go down the combi feeding route with a view to going back to breastfeeding, I bought a breastpump and over the next few weeks did a combination of expressing, breastfeeding and formula feeding. I was still suffering from my experiences though, and I would not breastfeed in front of anyone but my partner, I would not let anyone but he or me formula feed him, and anyone who tried to suggest my baby was crying due to hunger would get a mouthful from me - it was just too raw a point and I still was struggling emotionally.

Over the next two weeks my confidence in my ability to breastfeed diminished, I was convinced J was not producing enough milk, he was also lazy feeder and although his suction was strong, he kept falling off me or falling asleep. He would also get bored or just use me as a dummy rather than actually feed when he was supposed to. I also liked the convenience of formula feeding - my partner could do feeds and it was nice to see them have that bonding time. I also had the reassurance that I knew exactly what J was drinking and that for me was the most important factor having seen him turn so yellow and lose all that weight. I had continued to try using the breast pump but I just could never produce much milk and it often felt like a lot of effort with very little result.

After 2 weeks we went completely to formula feeding and I have never looked back. We also bought a perfect prep machine which I would recommend to anyone and J is now doing very nicely having regained all the weight lost and a lot more besides. J was a big baby at 8lb 10oz and at last weeks weigh in aged 9 weeks he was 13lb 8oz and following the 75th centile on the growth chart.

I've learnt a lot from my experiences, but I am not put off breastfeeding forever. We would like to have more children and I will attempt to breastfeed them as well but I appreciate every child is different and so many factors do influence the chance of success with breast feeding. For me personally I do still wonder 'what if' - What if J had not been born by c-section? What if my milk had come in sooner? What if I had not been in hospital for so long? What if I had not been so tired? What if the midwives didn't visit us the first day - would things have improved anyway with my milk arriving later the same day? What if I had stuck to breastfeeding and not combi-fed? But I guess I'll never know.

At the end of the day J is healthy and happy and that's all that matters to me.

I've been meaning to post this for a while but having a little one limits my time and I know this is going to be a long post (so long I've actually separated this into 2 parts). Whilst Baby J is happily bouncing away in his bouncer I think I have just enough time to write this first part up.

Talking about baby feeding methods is very controversial and I'm not seeking to jump on a soap box to declare which is best. I just want to tell my story and also put this out there so that anyone going through the same thing knows they are not alone. I had a lot of expectations and ended up feeling completely out of my depth when everything went wrong. I don't want to scare anyone but what happened to me is more common than I realised at the time and I wish I had known what would happen as I would have been better prepared. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

My story begins lunchtime Monday 17th November, I was being wheeled down for our emergency C-Section and I was telling my partner and my midwives what my preferences were. They were as follows:
1. Skin to Skin contact after birth (if baby ok)
2. The opportunity to breast feed as soon as possible after the birth
3. If any problems with baby - dad should go with him and stay with him.

Unfortunately the operating theatre was too cold so I did not get skin to skin until an hour later in recovery when I also breast fed for the first time. I thought it went ok but was not sure if Baby J actually took anything in - I could feel pulling and he seemed latched fine so I assumed all was well. We went to the post natal ward and I continued to breast feed him every couple of hours or so.

When my family turned up for a first visit that night, Baby J was crying and he cried more and more during their visit. He'd been quiet and sleeping on and off all day and I fed him just before my family arrived but he got very upset being passed around them all. I just assumed he was tired and overstimulated from being passed around. My mum suggested he was hungry - but as he'd just eaten I just disregarded her comment and said it was from overstimulation from being held by people he didn't know..

My partner and family left at 8pm and I was alone with my baby with feeling only just having completely come back following my spinal block. That first night, he cried on and off all night before going off to sleep at about 5ish when I finally got the opportunity to sleep myself having not slept the rest of that day/night or the previous night when I was in labour. During the night I did several feeds and rang the call button several times to ask the midwives to check my latch and they all confirmed it was fine. At 7.30am I woke with a start realising that I'd slept for about 2 and a half hours without him waking up. Worried I pulled him in his plastic box towards me and touched his face which felt cool. I put my hand on his chest to check his breathing at which point he woke up. Relieved, I fed him and tried to go back to sleep but by this time the ward was fully awake and too noisy - I am a light sleeper and struggle to get to sleep unless it is totally dark and quiet.

I carried on throughout the day, caring and feeding baby J, and again during the day all seemed fine - he was feeding 3 hourly for 15-20mins but kept falling off the breast and falling asleep. That night was much worse - I was operating on next to no sleep for 2 nights by this point and I was trying to stay awake to feed Baby J, worried that if I fell asleep whilst holding him, I would drop him and there would be nothing to stop him falling off the bed severely injuring himself. He would not go to sleep and every time I put him in the plastic box he cried. I rang the midwives to check my latch and this was fine - I was also really struggling with after-pains when I fed him which did not help. I was also so tired and really worried he was keeping the other babies and mums awake on the ward and setting the other babies off. I broke down not knowing what to do - I did not realise at this point it was a feeding issue, the midwives told me it was cluster feeding. They promised to take him for a while so I could get some sleep but less than half an hour later he was returned to me (fat chance of any sleep then!) he cried and was so frustrated banging his little fists on me, and chomping hard on my breasts - but despite feeding until he fell off every time nothing helped and as soon as I put him down he would cry again.

I cried and cried - trying not to let the other mums hear me. About 6am one of the midwives passed through the ward and checked on me. I was in pieces and she took Baby J from me but he was returned less than an hour later and then the ward lights came on as the ward 'came alive' and my opportunity for sleep was over.

The hospital I was in has a policy of keeping C-section mums in for 3 days and by now this was the third day and I wanted to get out of their asap. I just thought if I could get a few hours sleep it would be enough to pull myself together and then I would be able to cope. When my partner arrived that morning I broke down in his arms about how tired he was. I spoke to one of the midwives about being released and they said that this should be ok. Unfortunately we had to wait for baby bloods, my bloods and my prescription for blood thinning injections before we could be released and in the end it was after 6pm before they finally discharged us. Rather than go straight home we popped to Morrisons Supermarket for a few things, popped into see my partner's dad who did not visit us in hospital and then went round his families house to pick up our dog who had been staying there before heading home. It was between 8-9pm when we got back - I fed baby J, put him in his moses basket and went to sleep - the plan was my partner would change his nappies and I would do the feeds - How naïve we were!!!

He woke every 45mins to 1hr 30mins - so my sleep was very broken and every time he woke it was for a feed - he was so frustrated as well and would scream - then we would put him down again for him to wake up. My partner kept waking me apologetically - my mental capacity meant that I kept waking and physically did not know what he wanted or what baby wanted - I'd been hallucinating from lack of sleep on the way home seeing things that I knew weren't there and I was rambling in a half asleep daze about things that made no sense. (I am told I rambled on about Sherlock Holmes and Baker Street - despite not really being interested in this). I was in a lot of pain - my nipples felt bruised and I had a sample of lanolin cream which fortunately got me through the night - I was also still recovering from the C-section and felt a lot of soreness and tightness by my incision area. This was not helped by sitting up in bed every hour or so throughout the night. It was obvious Baby J was hungry - my partner suggested getting a bottle of formula the next day and I argued - crying saying I wanted to feed the baby I didn't want him having formula - I wanted to feed him myself. I felt that if I gave him a bottle I was failing him somehow and letting myself down as I'd been so determined to feed him myself. I also thought I would regret it later.

I don't know how we coped that night but we did and after a morning feed I popped baby J (who'd finally stopped crying) into bed with us where he fell asleep. I watched him so peacefully and was concerned that he'd turned a very strange yellowy orange colour - Jaundice. He'd been slightly Jaundiced in hospital the previous day but had passed the newborn tests based on bloodwork but this was worse now. Fortunately, our community midwives unexpectedly turned up at the door to do a home check and I ran downstairs with him - they were concerned by the jaundice and weighed him. They found he had lost just over 10% of his birth weight. Following telephone consultation with the hospital paediatrician, we were advised  to come in and that afternoon Baby J was readmitted to hospital onto the children's unit.


You can read part 2 by clicking here